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What’s up with the kicking machine, Dude?

December 22, 2009

We’ve all done some pretty dumb things. Some of us have done things so asinine that you just want to give yourself a swift kick in the tail. I’ve been known to mutter, “that was so stupid I could kick myself” at least once per week. I do thank God that my feet don’t get that close to my backside. If I were serious, I’d have New Balance marks all over the seat of my pants. I talk a good game, but I’d rather not do it.

Tom Hayward of Croatan came up with the contraption to accomplish the act of the “self kick.” Consisting of a hand operated crank, a wheel with four spokes and a shoe on each, the concept was simple: Give ‘er a crank, kick yourself in the arse. Repeatedly.

One look at that picture reveals four tough looking shoes and the slogan, “If we kick ourselves more, we will kick others less.” Legend has it that Lucille Ball was spotted using the kicking machine. No word if it was at the request of Desi Arnaz. It’s a device suited for the homes of any politician, in which case it should be used with great regularity.

Back in New Jersey we go about the method of self kicking in a different way. That machine is replaced with either “wife” or “mother-in-law,” and all one needs to do is open his mouth to receive a swift kick. Like the folks who have used that machine, it’s generally deserved (or at least that’s what we’re told).

However, it turns out the real punisher is not in New Jersey.   The actual punish yourself gizmo resides about 10 miles east of New Bern.

Bend over and give yourself a kick.

Let’s look at this rationally . . . what’s up with the kicking machine, dude?

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